Stop Explaining the Plan. Tell Them Why It Matters to You.

Some people are really good at solving problems.

They see something that isn’t working.

They figure out what needs to change.

They come up with a plan.

And they explain the plan to everybody involved.

It makes perfect sense to them.

So when the other person doesn’t respond the way they expected, they get frustrated.

Because the plan is good.

The logic is sound.

What’s the problem?

Well, sometimes the problem is that you’re communicating the solution without communicating why it matters.

And those are two very different things.

Think about something as simple as wanting to spend more time with your family.

You could say, "We should start having dinner together more often. Let’s pick a time and put it on the calendar."

That’s a perfectly reasonable suggestion.

But depending on how you say it, the other person might hear one more thing that needs to get done.

Another schedule to manage.

Another responsibility.

Now imagine approaching the same conversation differently.

You tell your partner that life has been moving really fast.

That you’ve been thinking about how quickly the kids are growing up.

That you don’t want to look back five years from now and realize you were so busy building a life for your family that you weren’t spending enough time actually living it with them.

And that having some consistent time together would mean a tremendous amount to you.

Same idea. Same dinner. Completely different conversation.

Because now you’re not presenting an operational improvement.

You’re allowing somebody to understand something that matters to you emotionally.

And I think this is especially difficult for people who spend their lives leading, building businesses, and making decisions.

We’re trained to identify the problem and get to the solution.

We become very good at explaining what needs to happen.

But sometimes, in our personal relationships, that same instinct works against us.

Because the person you’re talking to doesn’t necessarily need another explanation of why your plan makes sense.

They need to understand why it’s important to you.

And that requires something different from logic.

It requires a little vulnerability.

You have to be willing to say, "This matters to me."

Or, "I’m worried we’re missing something important."

Or even, "I need your help with this."

And for somebody who’s accustomed to being the person with the answers, that can be surprisingly uncomfortable.

But here’s the distinction.

You’re not trying to win an argument.

You’re trying to create connection.

And connection doesn’t happen simply because you’ve presented the most rational solution.

It happens when the other person understands what you’re feeling and why you’re asking.

That doesn’t mean they’ll automatically agree with you.

They may have concerns of their own, or a different idea about how to accomplish what matters to both of you.

And that’s fine.

The point isn’t to get somebody to accept your plan. It’s to give them a reason to help you build one together.

So the next time you have something important you want to change in a relationship, don’t start with the calendar.

Don’t start with the plan.

Start with the reason it matters to you.

Then build the plan together.

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